October 3rd. Long, drawn out, busy, annoying day. I had work, meetings, things to do, phone calls to make, people to avoid and a honey to go home to.
I kept myself busy during the time that James travelled to California. I missed everything about him. I missed seeing his head bobbing in the window sill, as he plays his videogames. I missed seeing his shoes by the couch. I missed my toes touching his toes in the bed. I missed the way he would sleep but when I came in the bed. With his eyes closed, he would roll over and open his arms to me. It felt like how covers fit a bed or the pillow slid into the sham….we just fit- every time.
October 3rd was different. My boo came home! He was sitting on his side of the bed, all casual, just poised for me to leap onto him and kiss his face. I did. I loved how his eyes lit up when he saw me and he welcomed every wet kiss I could plant on his face; I missed his face. I missed my boo.
After taking a shower and telling him about my day, we just layed in the bed. He held me, rolled over and I held him. I rolled over and we are looking at each other, talking. Something was different. As we talked, I could feel his fingertips remembering the familiar routes on my body. Using his index finger, he circled his fingers around my belly button, up- between my breasts and then around my nipples. Listen! I was tyad! Didn’t I mention that I was tired?! I had a long day. I didn’t get home until 10. I felt like I could just close my eyes and sink into my dreams like a good book. When he touched my body, I sunk into him. I allowed him to explore my body and reunite my body to his eyes and touch. Something was really different this time. It was quiet. The room was dark. The ceiling fan was on and all I could hear were fast creaks in the fan and the rustling of the sheets on the bed. We melted into each other and the heat was turned all the way up. I felt like we were amebas; our body melded into and onto each other like pre-cut jigsaw puzzle. It was incredible. The way we made love was different than the times I would scream his name, bang the walls or throw it back like I knew what I was working with. This time, it was gentle and quiet. It was real. I wrapped my legs around his legs and whispered so quietly, that not even the walls could talk. It was just me. Him. the moment.
After he left himself inside of me, I laid there, shocked, to be honest. We weren’t trying to start a family just yet. I was still losing weight. He was making moves. We were on pace. I guess that we got so caught up in the moment, we forgot about agendas and weight loss programs. We forgot ourselves and that was that. I held, in my body, the possibility of a future pitter patter of feet running away from a bath. I held, hand painted construction paper- to be ordained on the fridge. I held, runny noses and poopie diapers. I held basketball tournaments, ballerina tutus. I held christmas morning and snowflakes.I held a possibility that I would give birth to a child that was born out of a moment; a moment where their mom and dad really missed each other and they had to connect. That moment was special.
I laid on the bed and could not move. I felt like if I did, it would have been a fleeting moment as quick as the length of a commercial. I got up anyway. I went to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet. The only thing I could think about was that I AM PREGNANT. I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t just see my reflection but all the fantasies and dreams……….turning into something more tangible; a reality.
I just knew that I was pregnant. As I laid in the bed, I imagined that the world was being created in my body. I imagined my own big bang situation happening. My body tingled. My stomach felt different. I felt different. I just knew that I was pregnant.
I lived my life and for two weeks, I felt changes in my body. My nipples grew to the size of vienna sausages; they tingled and hurt all the time. I was exhausted. I had headaches and peed all the time. I felt so sick; I even had to run to the bathroom a few times, at work. I was a wreck. I was a happy wreck because I just knew it. My body was confirming it and I just needed to pee on a stick to confirm it. I left work early and drove to target. I listened to my typical praise and worship. I just knew that God blessed me. I prayed for a sign to know that I was pregnant. After leaving target, I went to Fresh to Order and then home; I just needed a victory meal to celebrate the fact that I was going to be a mommy.
I peed on the stick, waited, with a smile on my face. I waited and waited and waited and then I looked. It was negative. When I saw that, the moments that I held in my womb leaked out like a small hole in a bottle of water. It wasn’t as noticeable at first because you thought it was condensation from the heat but it was there. That teeny little hole could stretch and then possibly, the water would just pour out. I made excuses that I took the test too early, so I waited. Every morning, I was greeted with nausea and dizziness. My nipples still tingled and my head was throbbing off of my shoulders. These feelings would just keep my hope, alive. A few days would pass and I still felt like shit. I thought “surely, there is something going on with me. I took another test. waited. ……..negative. I consulted friends that were pregnant and confirmed the early symptom feelings. I went down the WEBMD, Pinterest, rabbit hole and lost myself in the possibilities. I read about spotting, implantation symptoms, period while pregnant. What to expect while you are pregnant. I looked up variations of: period, sore nipples, headaches and every time, the early signs of pregnancy forums would pop up. From there, I just knew that I was pregnant. I took another pregnancy test, convinced this time, I was pregnant. It was negative.
My period was coming up and I just knew that I was going to miss it and then finally, it would show that I am not crazy but pregnant. Monday, I felt cramps but the forums assured me that it could still mean I was pregnant. Tuesday, I cramped but I was sure that my period wouldnt come on the exact day (it varied sometimes). It would come the day after, the day before or even two days would pass. I knew it would happen this time. Wednesday morning, I sprung out of bed and closed the bathroom door behind me. I needed a moment to myself, before I peed. I knew that I was going have the most amazing day. I sat down and used the bathroom. I wiped myself and I saw blood. I saw bright red, on a white napkin, blood. I gasped. I was legitimately stunned that I saw blood. I got dressed, kissed my husband goodbye for the day, got in my car and cried the entire way to work. Every time I felt a cramp or blood trickling out of my body, I wept. I felt betrayed. My body bamboozled me. This was the sign I prayed for. I prayed that God would send me a sign that I was pregnant. It just turns out that the answer was no and I didn’t want to accept it. I deserve an award and I am in the wrong profession. I faked pregnancy symptoms. What the hell????!!!
My period was weird. It was red, and brown. I had more clots than I saw in a long time. When I showered, I was pulling the clots out of me and every time they hit the tub, i released the seeds of hope that were planted in my body. I was devastated. I felt alone. I felt like I was in the twilight zone because my body is telling me one thing and my body is telling me something else. My period lasted two days, this time. It just ended. I was freaked out. A day later, it started again but it was brown and then it ended. This dream, that we hadn’t considered or had on our radar, ended.
Sunday, my husband and I spent time with my mom. We chatted and laughed. She was cooking oxtail. I hate oxtail. As i’m in the kitchen, I am watching the steam pushing its way out of the pot. I felt the scent of the meat covering my senses like a mask. I was covered in the smell of oxtails and I thought I was going to blow chunks all over my mother’s just mopped kitchen floor. The feeling hit me again. The queasy, dizzy and lightheaded feeling. My hope ignited again. Surely, this meant that I am pregnant! Surely. I was nervous because now, thanks to WEBMED, I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy.
Monday morning, I made an appointment to see my doctor. I’m ready to know. I was sick of my co-workers whispering about me and not asking me directly, if I was pregnant. I was ready for the confirmation because at night, I could feel my husband, rub my stomach, as if he was telling our child to find its way to us. I was ready to know. It was time.
The day of my appointment, I was nervous. It was that feeling you have when you are going to be naked, in front of your lover, for the first time. Giddy, nervous, anxious, excited. That morning, I took another pregnancy test. I wanted to be aware of what I was walking into. It was negative. I fed into the last hope; the ultrasound. All day, I was sick. The smell of food made me want to sucker punch every person that was cruel enough to walk passed me with their chicken soup or beef stew. I wanted to set that place on fire. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
Driving to the appointment was weird. It was quiet. I missed my exit and had to turn around. I just wasn’t thinking. All I could think about were the moments where James and I laughed about who whispered what, when we were making love. I thought about the moment I saw his reaction when I told him that I have always wanted to have his baby. I thought the baby names he approved of and the look on my mom’s face, when she thought she was going to be NANA. I thought about the cute way I was going to tell my sister that she was going to be an aunt (she loves that stuff). My mind was full of nursery rhymes and baby bottles. It was full of preschool applications and kissing my baby’s little toes. I imagined what it would be like to smell the back of my baby’s neck. My mind was full.
When I went to the office, I filled out the information and waited. I hear my name being called and I am ushered to the back. I took another pee test. It was negative. To be honest, I didn’t give a shit. I already knew that. I was waiting on the ultrasound. That was going to be my answer, along with my blood test.
The Dr. walked in and hurriedly asked me questions about what was going on. He interrupted me a lot but I didn’t care. I figured that he would shut up, once I saw what was going on inside of me. He stuck that weird, dildo looking thing inside of me. I looked at the monitor and there it was……my uterus. The Dr. kept saying what a great uterus I have; I have a healthy uterus. He checked out my ovaries and yup, my ovaries were great. He noticed that I had a fibroid but it wasn’t anything to worry about. He then took that wand and pointed it to this area. He said, “ you see this spot here? This spot is where the embryo would be, if there was one. There isn’t”. That was the second time I gasped. This time, it was more of a grunt because I was trying really hard to swallow my disappointments. At that moment, all of the things I held onto were let go. The only thing I held was the notion that I could be a mother. That was that. The Dr. left, along with his nurse and I was left in the room to gather myself and my clothes.
Walking down the hallway of a gyno office is like the walk of shame. They know when the news isn’t good but they have to talk to you anyway. They talk to you without looking at you. They don’t want to acknowledge that they know. After I left, I sat in my car and cried. I thought I was done crying. I didn’t even want to go back to work. I didn’t. I went home, in silence. I texted my mother, with tears running down my face. I could only imagine her sad face. I knew she was sad for me. I knew that she would have wanted to take this pain from me. I remembered, as I was texting her, the friday where I spent the day with her. We had lunch, chatted and had a great time. We were in her room and I remembered crawling over to her and falling asleep in her lap. I’m not sure how long I was out, but I was out. When I woke up, I was still in her lap. She let me sleep there and didn’t move. That motherly love, never leaves you, apparently. I felt like her child. I am 34 and I fell asleep in her lap. That moment rose inside of me and sat at the forefront of my mind, as I am texting her that I am not pregnant.
When I drove home, in silence, I couldn’t tell you how I got home. I just did. “This is where a baby would be, but there isn’t” still rattled around in my brain.It’s ok. Maybe next time. I mean, how crazy would it be? How crazy would it be for the stars to align in a way where I would get pregnant on the first try? Yeah right. I have not forgotten that nothing comes easy to me, in my life. Nothing just works out easily. Why should this be any different.
I wish I was able to perk up and say “next time! I am going to be pregnant”. Right now, I just want to lay in my bed, rubbing an empty stomach and dreaming of a time where I held the possibilities, inside of me.
For now, I will err on the side of spiritual optimism later. When I was out for a walk, I remember getting close to home and had a flash of something wonderful; the flash was of me taking a walk and rubbing my big, beautiful, pregnant belly. As I am living in this moment, I hear God say…..Not now, soon.
With every negative test, ultrasound, blood tests…..the only thing that gave me any semblance of comfort was “not now, soon”. It gave me a confirmation that it will happen, just not on my time. Right now, I will mourn the loss of something that didn’t happen. I will cry, lay dormant on the couch, eat whatever I want and hibernate. I continued to pray over my belly and thank God in advance for the opportunity to be a mother and carry a healthy child, safely.
I’m not sure if I have approached the acceptance of not being pregnant yet, but I am getting there. I will continue to remind myself of what I heard. “Not now, but soon”. “Not now, but soon”.”Not now, but soon…………….”